As much as we adore those little ones, their arrival is set to kill romance dead if we aren’t careful. You maybe thinking right now ‘ what do you expect, they take up all my time and energy’.
Today’s world is even more demanding than previous generations, often with both parents working outside the home as well as parenting and keeping the household going.
If you are a mum with a new baby, chances are you spend your time covered in sick, baby food, and other unmentionables. You cant remember the last time you felt sexy or romantic. Your outfits are most likely to be the most comfortable, and easily washable. You have swapped your sexy perfume for ‘eau de vomit’ and you just don’t have time for you let alone your relationship
I really do get it – especially as a mum myself, even if they are adults now. I can still recall how tired I was all the time, and trying to take catnaps to just survive when they slept.I also regularly work with couples in the same situation.
But, there are ways of keeping the magic alive in your relationship – it does need some effort though. But the danger is that if you neglect your relationship until the kids grow up, the relationship and your partner will no longer be there.
So just take a few minutes out and have a read of my tips and see which ones you can incorporate into your life. I promise it will be worth it.
1. Talk to each other rather than expecting your partner to know how you feel or what you need. Neither of you are mind-readers. So explain calmly and kindly. If you wouldn’t talk to your best friend in that way, then don’t talk to your partner in that way either.
2. Put your partner first. Remember you got together because you love each other and want to spend time together. You decided together to have a child. Work together as a team doing the chores, and parenting, and make that team the best it can be. Putting your relationship on the backburner until the kids have left home just won’t work. The chances are you won’t have a relationship when you decide to go back to it. Neglect it at your peril.
3. Date nights – Regular time for just the two of you is so important. So try and arrange for someone to sit with your kids even if its just for a couple of hours on a regular basis. Don’t wait until your holiday next year. Regular and frequent time together keeps the magic alive. Going out with others doesn’t count, neither do trips to the cinema, as you are not spending time focussing on each other and your relationship.
4. Show affection ‘just because’ like you did when you were in the first throws of love. Text messages and notes showing you are thinking about the other one, rather than the routine ones. Doing something nice for the other, however small, lets them realise you really do care and love them.It may mean you need to talk about what really makes the other feel cared for. We each have our own language of love and its important to understand theirs rather than doing something you would like.
5. Keep electronics to a minimum and definitely out of the bedroom. You wouldn’t dream of having a friend sitting between you and your partner every evening chatting to them ignoring your partner. Neither would you have them in the bedroom with you. In fact communicating with someone who is not in the room is even worse as they are completely excluded. Agree a time when you each catch up with social media or work – if you have to, and then spend some quality time chatting to each other, or cuddling up, rather than grumbling or complaining about your day.
6. Have fun! Being an adult, weighed down by all that responsibility can feel heavy and can drag us down. So remember to enjoy yourselves. Look through the ‘before kids’ photos together. Remind yourselves of the silly things you did together, that haircut you thought was really on-trend at the time. Play board , or card games together. Allow your inner child out to play. There is nothing healthier than a good belly laugh. Have a bath or shower together, and then use essential oils to give each other a massage. It doesn’t have to be a full body massage, a hand massage can feel really relaxing. Touch plays a realty important part in connection, and the way you stroke or touch each other can be really sensual. Remember, your erogenous zones are not all in the genital area.
We hope that you have found this advice useful – do keep coming back for our articles, we love to see you here.
Helen
Wendy Capewell
Wendy Capewell is a Relationshp Specialist, who helps couples keep their relationship healthy and happy even through the tough times.